University of California
Type of paper: Thesis/Dissertation Chapter
Global Revision Exercise
The material fails to meet the characteristics of a good essay and needs further improvement to make it more interesting and a good read although all of the needed information is presented. The special paragraphs including the introduction and conclusion are weak and there are problems in the way the thoughts are structured and the way the points are developed and presented. The introduction is not so interesting at all.
Although the third sentence which serves as the thesis statement is there, the entire paragraph itself is loosely developed and lacks the strength that is needed in order to make an impression that this is going to be an interesting reading material. For example, the second sentence sounds very lax and passive, failing to urge the reader to write a good and understandable essay. Being an essay that gives tips on how to successfully write an essay, it is important for the introduction of this essay to sound optimistic and encouraging.
Another weakness of the essay is the conclusion when the essay suddenly talks about proofreading. This concept is not established at the earlier part of the essay and is not related to the general point that the essay is talking about. Instead of presenting a new concept, the writer should have provided a summary of the points that were raised in the essay, emphasizing those that are of high importance for the reader. In this way, the reader will be able to sense the end of the essay and will not be left hanging, anticipating for further explanation regarding the new concept and the established relevance in the entire essay.
The essay enumerated three main points in the introduction which the writer referred to as the “main keys to writing a successful essay” as organization, focus and revision. At first, the essay seems well structured as it talks about organization first then talks about focus and lastly talks about revision although there were already noted problems with the essay in general. Also, each paragraph consistently begins with a topic sentence providing a glance of what the entire paragraph will be about with further sentences in the paragraph supporting this statement.
However, after the discussion on revision, the essay suddenly talks about flow and progression of thought concepts. These concepts should have been mentioned in the earlier part of the essay where organization was explained rather than just mentioning it towards the end of the essay without any connection to the preceding paragraph. The way points in the essay are developed and connected from one another also needs improvement. For example, the second paragraph is talking about steps in organizing the topic, without even explaining the concept.
It also provides weak transition, mainly using repetitive paraphrasing such as the constant mention of the phrase “step in the organization process”, in the effort to provide a hint that the paragraph will talk about the same topic as the paragraph before it. To avoid this, the writer should have established earlier that the next paragraphs will be about the steps in organizing the content of the essay so there is no need to repeat the phrase at the start of each paragraph.
It is frustrating that an essay talking about tips on how to write an understandable essay does not fulfill the requirements that it has enumerated within the text. The thoughts and points presented in the essay were valuable but the way it was presented fails to grab and maintain the attention of the reader. In revising the essay, the writer should make improvements in the introduction, develop an appropriate conclusion and improve the structure, development and presentation of the key points.
Reference: Foster, John. Effective Writing Skills for Public Relations. Great Britain: Bell & Bain, Glasgow, 2005.